Ahh…a little normalcy.
It’s been a while since I’ve written here, and trust me, I’ve tried to find my voice. I’ve missed sitting here for a little while, focusing on my thoughts. The last time you’d heard from me was before my beach vacation in June, and so much has happened since then.
Do you remember this announcement?
I’m not sure how many of you follow me on Facebook, especially those of you who lurk, but I’m feeling up to talking about it, finally. I have no explanations, nor does my OBGYN, but for reasons beyond my control, I miscarried just a couple of weeks from my second trimester. (I had to rewrite that last bit a few times, trying so hard to not say things like “I lost the baby”.)
It started the night we drove to Chicago, peaking the day of what would have been my second half marathon. Not being able to run that race was upsetting, of course, but this hurt even more. I’m sure it all happened when it did, because I would have blamed myself had it happened post-race. I’m just now able to move on, physically. It’s been the longest process of my life, and I’ve had my highs and my lows. I’ve asked my “whys” and cried big, soaking tears. I’ve stood in the doorway of the room we cleared and prepped to be painted. I’ve held my two girls and my husband and my mom. I never thought it would happen to me, not because I don’t understand the miraculous nature of life, but because I don’t expect the worst. I know H is feeling the same way (minus the physical part, of course). He gets just as excited over having children as I do, stays involved, goes to the appointments…I hate that I don’t always know what he’s thinking, but I love him for being strong for me. The one thing I’ve heard consistently from others is “you two are meant to be parents”, and trust me…we believe this more than anyone else. H and I love being parents. Our children are the joy in our lives, and not once have I ever second-guessed announcing the arrival of a new little one the moment we found out.
Until this time.
Something in me second-guessed, only for a second, saying something so soon, but why wouldn’t I? New life is a miracle, and I refused to hold out on sharing the joy I was feeling.
That I still plan to feel again.
What really hit me hard, though, was the amount of love and support that I received in the form of women who have been here. I received messages from friends I had no clue have gone through this. Strangers offering prayer. This world is so incredibly small – full of people who help you realize that you’re not alone. Even more so, this world is full of compassion despite what so many people say…and all it takes is a single moment in one person’s life to realize that.
I’m doing better and better every day, and I just wanted you all to know. Yes, we plan to “try” again. (Trying for us is “not preventing”. We just let things happen, and this is why we’ve firmly believed in the faith that everything happens for a reason. That blessings come from all experiences in life.)
I’m not sure of what else to say…
Another thing I’ve had to deal with is an uncomfortable situation in the form of “cyber-stalking”. What started off as a troll leaving her fair share of nasty remarks about me, my body, and who I am as a mother and woman has turned into a situation where I’ve logged her trying to contact me from over a dozen different locations, including schools (this is what freaked me out). I felt the need to finally report it/have it investigated for my family’s safety as well as my readers’. I don’t take situations like this lightly, as I have a family to protect (which is why I don’t discuss them much here). A troll is one thing, but a stalker is another. I’m not sure why I’m explaining this here, but it’s important to me to express that healthy debate is absolutely welcome here…but nasty, demeaning comments and stalking is not. Speaking of…this is a great read on internet cruelty.
Now that I’ve gotten a bit of the tough stuff out there, I can’t wait to move forward with everything I have been planning. I am excited to have some normalcy after two months of non-stop on-the-go traveling, home improvement projects, and loss. I’m excited to get back into a routine, to settle into a yoga and meditation practice to quiet this mind. I’m glad I took a break from blogging, though I’ve missed it. I’m feeling more myself again, so you’ll be seeing me around…