On life’s highs and lows.

by Melissa on July 29, 2013

Ahh…a little normalcy.

It’s been a while since I’ve written here, and trust me, I’ve tried to find my voice. I’ve missed sitting here for a little while, focusing on my thoughts. The last time you’d heard from me was before my beach vacation in June, and so much has happened since then.

Do you remember this announcement?

I’m not sure how many of you follow me on Facebook, especially those of you who lurk, but I’m feeling up to talking about it, finally. I have no explanations, nor does my OBGYN, but for reasons beyond my control, I miscarried just a couple of weeks from my second trimester. (I had to rewrite that last bit a few times, trying so hard to not say things like “I lost the baby”.)

It started the night we drove to Chicago, peaking the day of what would have been my second half marathon. Not being able to run that race was upsetting, of course, but this hurt even more. I’m sure it all happened when it did, because I would have blamed myself had it happened post-race. I’m just now able to move on, physically. It’s been the longest process of my life, and I’ve had my highs and my lows. I’ve asked my “whys” and cried big, soaking tears. I’ve stood in the doorway of the room we cleared and prepped to be painted. I’ve held my two girls and my husband and my mom. I never thought it would happen to me, not because I don’t understand the miraculous nature of life, but because I don’t expect the worst. I know H is feeling the same way (minus the physical part, of course). He gets just as excited over having children as I do, stays involved, goes to the appointments…I hate that I don’t always know what he’s thinking, but I love him for being strong for me. The one thing I’ve heard consistently from others is “you two are meant to be parents”, and trust me…we believe this more than anyone else. H and I love being parents. Our children are the joy in our lives, and not once have I ever second-guessed announcing the arrival of a new little one the moment we found out.

Until this time.

Something in me second-guessed, only for a second, saying something so soon, but why wouldn’t I? New life is a miracle, and I refused to hold out on sharing the joy I was feeling.

That I still plan to feel again.

What really hit me hard, though, was the amount of love and support that I received in the form of women who have been here. I received messages from friends I had no clue have gone through this. Strangers offering prayer. This world is so incredibly small – full of people who help you realize that you’re not alone. Even more so, this world is full of compassion despite what so many people say…and all it takes is a single moment in one person’s life to realize that.

I’m doing better and better every day, and I just wanted you all to know. Yes, we plan to “try” again. (Trying for us is “not preventing”. We just let things happen, and this is why we’ve firmly believed in the faith that everything happens for a reason. That blessings come from all experiences in life.)

I’m not sure of what else to say…

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***

Another thing I’ve had to deal with is an uncomfortable situation in the form of “cyber-stalking”. What started off as a troll leaving her fair share of nasty remarks about me, my body, and who I am as a mother and woman has turned into a situation where I’ve logged her trying to contact me from over a dozen different locations, including schools (this is what freaked me out). I felt the need to finally report it/have it investigated for my family’s safety as well as my readers’. I don’t take situations like this lightly, as I have a family to protect (which is why I don’t discuss them much here). A troll is one thing, but a stalker is another. I’m not sure why I’m explaining this here, but it’s important to me to express that healthy debate is absolutely welcome here…but nasty, demeaning comments and stalking is not. Speaking of…this is a great read on internet cruelty.

***

Now that I’ve gotten a bit of the tough stuff out there, I can’t wait to move forward with everything I have been planning. I am excited to have some normalcy after two months of non-stop on-the-go traveling, home improvement projects, and loss. I’m excited to get back into a routine, to settle into a yoga and meditation practice to quiet this mind. I’m glad I took a break from blogging, though I’ve missed it. I’m feeling more myself again, so you’ll be seeing me around…

{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

MIZ July 29, 2013 at 9:00 am

so so so many hugs and prayers.

xoxo
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Melissa July 29, 2013 at 9:01 am

Thank you, Miz. Many hugs in return. <3

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Krysten Siba Bishop (@darwinianfail) July 29, 2013 at 9:03 am

so so sorry girl. You know I have been thinking about you.
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Melissa July 29, 2013 at 9:08 am

I do, and I love you for all your kind words. It means the world to me. <3

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Liz @ The Girl on Fire Now July 29, 2013 at 10:23 am

I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I also know that sorry doesn’t help, but it is the only thing that I can think to say.
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:32 pm

And I appreciate that you cared enough to say something. <3
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Ericka @ The Sweet Life July 29, 2013 at 12:18 pm

You are beautiful and strong and I’m most sure a wonderful mother! Thanks for sharing your thoughts — and you’ve no doubt helped others feel they are not alone. Your girls are SO adorable too :) xoxoxoxo
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:35 pm

Thank you so much, friend. I think the thing that is making this so much “easier” to get through is that I know, in my heart, that even if we experience this again, I have our girls. There’s so much love that H and I have for the two of them that we couldn’t possibly forget how blessed we are.
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Heather (Where's the Beach) July 29, 2013 at 12:18 pm

Hugs sweetie!
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:36 pm

Thanks, friend. <3
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Jaci July 29, 2013 at 12:26 pm

Prayers to you. Just a stranger here that appreciates your honesty and admires your strength. Thank you for sharing.

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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:37 pm

Love from strangers is just as appreciated as love from friends. Thank you for your prayers. <3
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Jenny @ simply be me July 29, 2013 at 12:37 pm

Hugs to you and your family.
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:42 pm

Thank you. <3
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Tina @ Best Body Fitness July 29, 2013 at 2:25 pm

Praying, praying, praying for you. Lean on everyone you can and feel that love surrounding you. I’m here too if you ever need.
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Thank you so much, friend. I’d seen your post on Facebook asking the last thing to make us smile…just after you posted this comment. I truly meant “friends like you”.

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Lee July 29, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Head up high! Hugs to you and your family!

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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:54 pm

Thank you, Lee. <3

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Christine @ Love, Life, Surf July 29, 2013 at 11:28 pm

Hugs and love to you Melissa and your family. I’ve been thinking about you. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m here if you need anything. xoxo
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Thank you so much, friend. I’ve certainly felt the love.

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Kierston @candyfit July 30, 2013 at 6:31 am

Thinking of you xo
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:46 pm

Thank you, Kierston. <3

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Carly @ Fine Fit Day July 30, 2013 at 8:17 am

So much love coming to you, lady! You have so much strength and love in your life and I’m sure that is helping. I am so very sorry. xoxoxo
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:45 pm

I’ve appreciated everything you have said over the past week, Carly. I truly have. <3

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Brittany (Healthy Slice of Life) July 30, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Oh Melissa, I’m sending so much love your way! Thinking of you <3
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Melissa July 30, 2013 at 4:43 pm

Thank you so much, Brittany. <3

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lindsay July 31, 2013 at 9:30 pm

you know we are here for you, always. hugs, prayers, and lots of love. <3

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Stephanie@nowirun.com August 1, 2013 at 1:13 am

I have not known your sorrow or walked in your shoes, but I am deeply sorry for your loss. Two of my very close friends have dealt with the loss of a pregnancy and it was not easy for either of them to cope. Thank goodness for a family to love you and support you through this.
My sons are 11 and 13 (very soon to be 12 and 14). Safety on the internet is so important. My son (13) has had awful things said to him online. Thankfully, we talk about it and he is a strong individual. We keep “tabs” on him ~ twitter, fb, instagram, etc. but we know that what’s out there can be cruel and dangerous. Thank you for the link and prayers for your safety.
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Amanda @runtothefinish August 2, 2013 at 8:56 am

sending you so much love. I’m sorry that at a time where you already have stress someone is seeking to make it worse. Unfortunately I have my own troll right now and I’ve not yet mentioned it to anyone as it’s more frustrating than anything…but the second I start to truly feel unsafe the whole ballgame will change.
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Mindy @ Road Runner Girl August 2, 2013 at 12:18 pm

Hugs Melissa! I am praying for you and your family during this time. xxoo
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jobo August 2, 2013 at 3:09 pm

First of all, friend, you know we talked earlier today over email, but I send my strength and hope and prayers to you and your family as you get through this. Love you and care about you and your well being so very much! I am so very sorry ((hug)).

And second…cyber stalking. wow. that is SO SCARY. Glad you took care of it. stay safe friend. xo
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