One of the hardest things for me to do is change my mind. My thought process has always been along the lines of “I’m going to look like a failure – like I can’t do this.”
Or “Here I go again.”
Ever felt that way?
Physically/mentally changing my mind is easy, but emotionally, I used to dread it. I choose to do something and then I don’t like it. Or I become inspired to do something else. But really, what’s wrong with changing your mind? Nothing. Why do something when your heart’s not in it? Right now, I not going to fear it.
I’m writing this out not because I need to vent, but because it’s another important part of my journey.
We’re putting plans for another baby on hold.
About a year ago, I told myself, “I need to be at my goal weight before we try for another baby.”
Today, my thought process is totally different.
I was trying to convince myself that I was ready to go for it. As a family, we are ready. As a mom, I am ready. As a woman, I am not.
I’m not backing out right now because of a goal weight. I’m not backing out now because of a desire to attain a particular body or size.
I’m backing out because I’m not ready.
Had I been able to stay on the track I was running on back in July, maybe I would be ready.
But I was sort of forced off that track and haven’t been able to get back on.
A break from running, the one thing that makes me feel like me, sort of changed things for me, but I’m trying to see the bright side. This break was good for two reasons:
…I have been able to work out my imbalances and let my issue/injury/whatever you want to call it rest,
…and I have learned that running has changed me so much that I have no idea how I ever survived without it. I started running for weight loss, but I learned quickly that it was so much more than that.
I had it in my head a year ago that we would start trying for another baby in January 2013, because I would have “gotten to my goal weight”. I also really wanted a fall baby. (A silly little wish, but fall is my favorite season, so why not?)
One year later, I’ve found myself wiser. I’ve found myself more in tune with who I am and what I want. I’ve found myself thinking more logically, and I’ve found myself embracing the truth. It’s just not the right time.
I’ve learned that I cannot set weight-loss goals that force me to meet a number by a certain date. Things happen. Injury. Illness. Whatever. Life happens. I’m not making excuses for the mistakes I’ve made or for the detours I’ve taken. I know where I’ve fallen short. I know what I’ve done wrong. But this?
This decision is far from wrong.
My goals have shifted. I’ve changed my mind.
I’ve been sicker this winter than ever before. I’ve been socked with two instances of a stomach virus, the flu twice, and dammit, I just got over a bad head cold this past week – while my mom was in town. How fun, right? (This explains the quiet blog.)
I would not, despite my efforts, consider myself to be at my healthiest.
I knew that when we tried all last month. When it didn’t happen as easily as everyone expected, I knew it then, too.
I’m not afraid to say “it’s not time”. I’m not afraid to say “I change my mind”. I’m not afraid to tell you all that I, just like any human being, make mistakes, get ahead of myself, and fall down. But I’ll proudly get back up. Every. Damn. Time.
I want to be healthy. I want to feel healthy. I want to be running regularly. I want to be fit and clear-minded. I want to be strong. I want all of these things for myself now and I want them during my pregnancy.
I’m not setting a goal to be a specific weight before I get pregnant like I did last year. I’m done setting goals like that. Choosing to reach a number I’m not even sure is my “healthy weight” before I get pregnant is, for lack of a better word, stupid. I’m not setting a goal to be at my “healthy weight” before I get pregnant either. I’m setting a goal to listen to my body, because I’ll know when it’s time. I always have.
With that all said, in true scatter-brained fashion, I’ve chosen to focus on me for a while. To find my way back to running. To have fun racing. (Yes, this means I’m planning!) To get through this nasty, flu-stricken winter, to gain strength, to find focus, and to find me again. The best part of all of this? My husband, true to form, supports my needs 100%. (And people say fairy tales never come true. Pppssshhhttt.)