One of the hardest things for me to do is change my mind. My thought process has always been along the lines of “I’m going to look like a failure – like I can’t do this.”
Or “Here I go again.”
Ever felt that way?
Physically/mentally changing my mind is easy, but emotionally, I used to dread it. I choose to do something and then I don’t like it. Or I become inspired to do something else. But really, what’s wrong with changing your mind? Nothing. Why do something when your heart’s not in it? Right now, I not going to fear it.
I’m writing this out not because I need to vent, but because it’s another important part of my journey.
We’re putting plans for another baby on hold.
About a year ago, I told myself, “I need to be at my goal weight before we try for another baby.”
Today, my thought process is totally different.
I was trying to convince myself that I was ready to go for it. As a family, we are ready. As a mom, I am ready. As a woman, I am not.
I’m not backing out right now because of a goal weight. I’m not backing out now because of a desire to attain a particular body or size.
I’m backing out because I’m not ready.
Had I been able to stay on the track I was running on back in July, maybe I would be ready.
But I was sort of forced off that track and haven’t been able to get back on.
A break from running, the one thing that makes me feel like me, sort of changed things for me, but I’m trying to see the bright side. This break was good for two reasons:
…I have been able to work out my imbalances and let my issue/injury/whatever you want to call it rest,
…and I have learned that running has changed me so much that I have no idea how I ever survived without it. I started running for weight loss, but I learned quickly that it was so much more than that.
I had it in my head a year ago that we would start trying for another baby in January 2013, because I would have “gotten to my goal weight”. I also really wanted a fall baby. (A silly little wish, but fall is my favorite season, so why not?)
One year later, I’ve found myself wiser. I’ve found myself more in tune with who I am and what I want. I’ve found myself thinking more logically, and I’ve found myself embracing the truth. It’s just not the right time.
I’ve learned that I cannot set weight-loss goals that force me to meet a number by a certain date. Things happen. Injury. Illness. Whatever. Life happens. I’m not making excuses for the mistakes I’ve made or for the detours I’ve taken. I know where I’ve fallen short. I know what I’ve done wrong. But this?
This decision is far from wrong.
My goals have shifted. I’ve changed my mind.
I’ve been sicker this winter than ever before. I’ve been socked with two instances of a stomach virus, the flu twice, and dammit, I just got over a bad head cold this past week – while my mom was in town. How fun, right? (This explains the quiet blog.)
I would not, despite my efforts, consider myself to be at my healthiest.
I knew that when we tried all last month. When it didn’t happen as easily as everyone expected, I knew it then, too.
I’m not afraid to say “it’s not time”. I’m not afraid to say “I change my mind”. I’m not afraid to tell you all that I, just like any human being, make mistakes, get ahead of myself, and fall down. But I’ll proudly get back up. Every. Damn. Time.
I want to be healthy. I want to feel healthy. I want to be running regularly. I want to be fit and clear-minded. I want to be strong. I want all of these things for myself now and I want them during my pregnancy.
I’m not setting a goal to be a specific weight before I get pregnant like I did last year. I’m done setting goals like that. Choosing to reach a number I’m not even sure is my “healthy weight” before I get pregnant is, for lack of a better word, stupid. I’m not setting a goal to be at my “healthy weight” before I get pregnant either. I’m setting a goal to listen to my body, because I’ll know when it’s time. I always have.
With that all said, in true scatter-brained fashion, I’ve chosen to focus on me for a while. To find my way back to running. To have fun racing. (Yes, this means I’m planning!) To get through this nasty, flu-stricken winter, to gain strength, to find focus, and to find me again. The best part of all of this? My husband, true to form, supports my needs 100%. (And people say fairy tales never come true. Pppssshhhttt.)
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I definitely think it’s ok, not just ok, but important to really go with our heart sometimes. Just because you set this goal, it doesn’t make it set in stone to the point that you’re a failure if it doesn’t come to pass. And with something like having a child…I think it’s really smart to go with your heart on this.
Thanks, friend. I was really scared I’d break H’s heart, because we both want another baby, but he agreed with me immediately.
I’m not sure why we have a tendency to set goals, but tend to feel as though it’s a big disappointment when we change our minds. I know I’m not alone in this.
I have yet to make a major plan in life that I’ve stuck to 100%. I think part of growing more mature is realizing when it’s okay to ‘break plans’. It’s so cliche, but I’m sure you will know when it’s really time to have another!
I’m so glad you are listening to you and doing what is best for you and your family! Do many of us stick to plans we make, regardless of doubts and circumstances and though sometimes that works out in the end, it usually takes longer for that to happen. Glad you were able to reevaluate, regroup and move forward with a modified plan that will suit you better
. After all, making great decisions on the fly is one of our biggest and most important jobs as Moms, right??
Thanks, Sarah! And yes. If I can follow my heart, make the decisions I know are right for me, then I’ll be able to teach the same to my girls. It’s the same as when I lost my job…I decided on school. It’s never too late to change your mind, educate yourself, and have a career doing what you love. I’m on my way with that, and this’ll happen as well.
I needed that boost there at the end of your comment. 
You’re listening to your body and your heart, and that’s always the right thing to do. I feel like sometimes people equate ‘changing your mind’ with saying ‘I’m wrong,’ but it’s more like saying, ‘I’m wise enough and open-minded enough to be able to consider all my options.’ Enjoy getting back to running, and here’s to a healthy Spring for you!
You said it perfectly. “People equate ‘changing your mind’ with saying ‘I’m wrong.’” YES. I’ve always done that to myself…secretly feeling as though I’m letting someone down or that I’m looking weak. (And really, is it THAT bad to have moments of weakness?)
Thank you so much for writing about this subject! I really needed to read this! It totally hit home for me, (not the pregnancy part). I have lost myself to….. I don’t even know what, but I am lost and I keep making the wrong choices because I have been to afraid to change my mind. Thank you for reinforcing that it is ok to change our minds. You’re a great writer!
Friend, I think you have made the right decision – a SMART and SOUND decision – and I am so glad that you aren’t afraid to admit changing your mind. It really hits home right now, your decision…more on that privately, but your health is a priority right now, not being sick, continuing to gain strength and fitness, and being ready mentally, emotionally AND physically for a third child. That is smart my friend. And you and your husband? Truly marriage role models for me (in addition to my sis and Scott of course)
XO
I’m just gonna go ahead and say: yep, exactly what my sis said. both in this comment and in email. couldn’t agree more. and proud of you for being honest with yourself as you always are. I ADORE that about you!!! xoxo
See below.
You two. I’m so glad I have you two in my life. It’s taken me a long time to be honest with myself, but it feels like a “cleanse” when I am. Like I’ve let 10000 pounds of “you know the real truth” go. I’m thinking you’ll enjoy the post I wrote today…but I also expect to hear “you’re being too hard on yourself”. LOL (I feel like I’m not hard ENOUGH.) Anyways, thank you ladies…I’ll email you both back in a few minutes.
Love you. xoxo
Beautiful post, Melissa. There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your mind. I know how hard it is to change your mind because, just by making the decision in the past, you feel you’ve committed to something. Mentally anyway. It’s hard to take that thought away after you feel it’s already “yours” somehow. You’re making such a smart choice though. When the time is right, everything works out.
Yes. Yes yes yes. Mentally it’s so tough to take a goal, change it, and not be mentally attached to it. I did lose weight last year, and while I didn’t lose “enough” to meet that goal, I’m not approaching it from the weight-loss standpoint now. I’m not setting that goal…I just wanted to feel like ME again…running, focused, all of the above in my post. When I’m feeling happy about how I feel physically and mentally, I’ll be emotionally ready.
Thanks, friend. 
Hi Melissa: There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your mind, nothing at all. However, it sure sounds to me like you may be backpeddling, sidestepping and/or not even aware of the precise reason behind why you are not ready for another baby at this time … other than perhaps you may be perfectly happy with your life and family as it is. Ain’t no shame in that!
It’s funny you say that, because I did, at one point last year, ask myself if I wanted another. However, my husband and I have always been, from the beginning, the type of couple who says “whatever happens, happens” when it comes to having babies. We’ve always approached having a family with the idea that we wanted more than two, which we still do, but that we wouldn’t be hard on ourselves if it didn’t happen that way. So while, yes, I am perfectly happy having our two beautiful girls, I definitely want a third (and so does he). BUT, if it doesn’t happen, then that’s what’s meant to be.
Good for you! I have mad respect for that decision. I think it’s easy to get romanced by the idea of a new baby and all the excitement that comes along with it, and a lot of women seem to be impatient about it, but it really works best for everyone when everyone is truly ready, especially mom. Major kudos to you!!
Thank you, Kim.
I always said that I didn’t want to get pregnant after I turned 30. (I turned 30 in August. I’ve already decided to break that “rule”. lol) You’re right, though…a lot of women do get impatient, and we’ve always approached it in a very laid back manner. Whatever happens, happens. This past month is just proof that when we get impatient, it doesn’t happen. Everyone’s ready…it’s just me that isn’t.
Rules are meant to be broken! Do what is right for you… My plans have totally changed and hey, things are much better than I ever thought they could be! So go with it!
It sort of goes along the same lines as the bit about falling down 7 times, getting back up 8. Changes, setbacks, whatever…as long as we keep pushing forward it’s okay to break rules and it’s okay to fall down.
Melissa – it’s definitely OK to change your mind, change your plans and make this decision. Changing your mind doesn’t mean that “you’re wrong” or “you’re being weak.” It just means that you’re changing your mind because things change and life changes. I think that it’s important that you’re following your heart. Recognizing the need to make a different decision that you originally thought is a hard thing. xoxo
Thanks, friend. <3 It’s tough admitting that you need to make a change sometimes. It’s as if we feel the need to be perfect – to never need to change our minds, because the first time is always how it should go. Know what I mean? It sort of goes along with Ilene’s post “Down There”.
Oh, if I could tell you all the things I’ve changed my mind about this year! When changing your mind is taking responsibility for your well being and your happiness, it’s always the “right thing” to do – or not – only you can know that for sure. I love your honesty and openness as always.
You’ve been through a lot this past year, haven’t you? And your strength is so inspiring!!!! And you’re right…only I can know. Funny thing is? My mom immediately said, “you didn’t have to tell me that”. I was becoming very transparent.
Love you. xoxo
you are so smart. You need to be ready as woman more than anything, well to me at least. Women’s bodies are meant to nurture and if you feel like it needs more fine tuning and healing, that you are right. We’re here for you all the way!
Don’t worry, I agree. I need to be ready as a woman more than anything. Lord knows I’m ready as a mom and we’re all ready as a family. The girls talk about it all the time. H was the one who said “let’s do this” first. I need to be on the same page as them first…and while my heart is in it, I know my body isn’t yet. And thank you…that’s why I love you guys. I know you’re always there.
This was a wonderful posts, and I love the inspirational words. I’ve recently taken up running about a month ago and feel like it’s really for me.
Thank you, Stephanie.
I LOVE that you’re feeling that it’s truly for YOU. That’s a sign of a love affair to come. 
Your post moved me! Children are amazing and being a parent is awesome but it is hard on all levels, especially on a woman’s body. Some people have no trouble recovering after pregnany but i had a tougher time. I found that my body certainly took longer to get back to its regular self after each of my children and that’s just not in terms of weight. The weight came off quite quickly but there are other areas that did not bounce back so fast. Sometimes i feel guilty saying these things. We are made for motherhood, I know just sometimes I wish that motherhood would be thoughtful and not make bladder control, muscle tone, varicose veins and heartburn regular visitors after the birth of the baby. You are protecting a miracle and it is special and wonderful but so hard. I think it is amazing that you can see how your body is not ready for that at this point. It was something I also worked through. Sometimes you just aren’t ready yet. Thanks for a great post.
I found this post through Freeing Imperfections. Thank you so much for writing it
. I can be hard on myself for changing my mind so often, but it’s just a part of life!
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