On days like today, you usually read recaps on someone’s past year.
But I don’t want to do that.
Today, I want to tell you what I want out of my life. Why?
Today, I turn 30.
Today, I’m saying goodbye to my twenties, and what I love most about this goodbye is that I have no regrets. It’s a goodbye that doesn’t feel unfinished or unsettled, because my twenties were genuinely wonderful. I lived the hell out of this past decade, and I’m very proud of what I learned. I found the strength to let go of the parts of my life that were toxic, including a part of myself.
I’ve seen a lot of “Top 10” lists or posts about what you should do or should have done by the time you’re 30, and I have to say that I could probably cross off 90% of what they mention. However…
I can’t say that I think anyone should or shouldn’t live by something specific. The way I’ve lived my life is so unique to me, to who I am, and the same goes for everyone else. I haven’t lived my life based on what someone else thinks I should or shouldn’t do or experience or learn. To those lists, I didn’t travel as much as I “should have”. I didn’t date as many types as I “should have”. I didn’t buy as many things as I “should have”.
“Should have” sounds like “I regret”, don’t you agree? I have no regrets – I lived my life. I loved my 20’s. I experienced two great years of college in my 20’s. I was the first in my family to receive a degree. I worked with tigers and snow leopards and pythons, married the love of my life, gave birth to two amazing little girls, bought a home, and watched my family grow by well over a dozen amazing people…
But most of all…I found ME.
I don’t care if I’ve never “seen the world”. (And really…have you really seen the world if you’ve “seen the world” by the time you’re 30? What could you have possibly absorbed in that little amount of time?) I don’t care if I’ve never owned a wicked cool car I couldn’t afford just for the sake of saying I owned it or dated against “my type”. (Honestly, I married against “my type”…and I’m so glad I did. My type was not a good one back then and he made me realize that.) What I do care about is that I am overwhelmingly proud of how far I’ve come since I turned 20.
I’ve overcome one of the biggest struggles I’ve battled since I was little – lacking faith in myself. I found the positive in difficult situations, and I’ve become a firm believer in the cliché “everything happens for a reason”. I battled my negative self-image and became a runner. I’ve learned that the only person who can bring me down is myself.
(Wouldn’t you know…out of this entire post, this is where I cry.) I’VE. BECOME. A. RUNNER. I’m entering my 30’s with a half marathon under my belt…my first one…and I have plans for many more. I have overcome so many incredibly tough emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical struggles, and I’m so…
I have no words. (I know. The length of this post says otherwise, right? ;))
So what’s next?
I read a post on Monday written by a woman I truly admire – Lindsay. I love her outlook on life, her faith, and the warmth that she brings to those around her, and she didn’t disappoint with her post on how she’s just “going to be”. (And Jess wrote something similar on just being, and I feel the same way about her! What I love about the blogs I read consistently is that they’re written by incredible people…and they all have the same amazing outlook on life.) It was a simple, yet powerful post, and it hit me, because I’d been sitting here for a few months thinking about what I wanted out of the next decade of my life. What am I aiming for? What are my goals? Where do I want to be? If you’d asked me a month ago, I would have said something involving weight loss or my career or something specific.
I want to be right here. Right here in the present.
The lesson I’ve learned in my twenties is that life isn’t specific. It can’t be planned or organized 100%. It’s not a “to-do list”. Life happens. Just live it. (Oh. There’s a nice ring to that, isn’t there?)
I no longer want losing weight to be the constant in my life. It’s been a major part of my life for a majority of my life. I don’t want an end point to be something for which I strive, because I don’t know when the endpoint will be. What if it’s tomorrow? What if it’s a year from now? Or 30 years from now? Or 70 years from now? I don’t want to live my life remembering the “should haves”. I don’t want to live my life centered on the “shoulds”. (Ilene writes beautifully, and this was one of the posts that really spoke to me about living life. She has a way with words, I tell you!)
I’m excited to be entering this next chapter of my life. I’m excited to set aside goals that have basically plagued me for the past 20 years. I don’t have so much weight to lose now that it’s become a dire emergency. Sure…a small, superficial part of me still wants it…wants to look better than ever. What’s become more important to me, though, is that I feel better than ever, and that is what shines through in life. I want health, happiness, and to live in the present. No shoulds. No should haves.